I Need your love

Hmm...

virus73@gmail.com — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 19:34:11 GMT

One of the things that has been occupying my thoughts lately is the quite contradictory concept of happiness. I know people have, in the past, always been quick to denounce my momentary bouts of depression and willingness and need to express them as being "emo" and have had a general attitude of "stop bitching Arthur", but today I just don't give a fuck. I'm sad. I've been sad for a really long time. I've had moments of happiness, moments of joy, and even moments of elation. But the overall recurring theme in my life is soul crushing depression.

The thing I wanted to focus on for today was this thought I had while walking on campus. Its pretty much common knowledge, and is spoken and repeated often enough for people to believe, that the time you find "love", "Happiness", etc, is when you stop looking for it. I know for a fact that my mother has told me numerous times that "when you stop looking for love, it will find you." If you think about that concept though, its really perplexing. When you stop looking for happiness, you'll finally find happiness. When you give up on something is when you'll finally get it. That strictly contradicts something else that is thrown at people as they grown up, mainly the sentiment that "winners never quit, and quitters never win". Its interesting that in life, people can say "don't give up" but then turn right around and tell you that you have to fold in order to find any sort of happiness.

Then I guess the next natural extension of this would be "Does 'stop looking' constitute giving up?" My answer would be yes, but that's from my quick, cynical glance. If you've stopped being active in pursuing something that you want, that you need, that you desire, does that constitute giving up? On first, and second thoughts now, the answer seems to be yes. Yes its giving up. When I say "I'm not going to go after this anymore" it does indeed mean that I've given up. I still want it, but I'm not going after it. In fact, if you still have that wanton desire, that continual presence in your thoughts and mind and soul of wanting the thing that you've even "given up" does that mean that you've really given up? Or is it simply patronage to the well renowned idea that if you stop looking, then you will find?

I've been fighting the urge to write a lot lately. I suppose that that's a bad thing, seeing as how I wish to become a writer some day. I should be using all of the energy and inspiration that I get to actually pen things to paper, electronically or literally, instead of wasting it away in my basement (read: mother's basement) and redirecting it into other things, like watching bad movies that I don't want to pay money to see and watching even worse porn that no one wants to see.

And come to think of it, I don't know why in the hell I'm still so ashamed to be living with my mother. Its awkward, annoying at times, and even pretty emasculating, but its nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe its just because I feel that the last decade of my life has been all for naught. From the moment that I set foot into Renaissance High School until now I have this overwhelming feeling that my life has been wasted. But that can't be true, can it? The connections with people that I've made, long lasting or otherwise. The experiences that I've had, the feelings that I've shared, the love that I've expressed. That can't all be a waste can it? Practical knowledge would say no, but I've got this itching feeling in the back of my skull that the answer is yes. Would I trade it all in, if I could change it? Even if things aren't better, if I could put myself into a position where I didn't feel that I was a waste, that my life as an adult has been wasted, and that all of the opportunity that I've had in my life has been wasted, would I change it?

That I can't answer. And even if I could I wouldn't want to. Thinking about such things is all that it takes to drop me back down into whatever Black Hole it is that I've managed to crawl out from, even if only temporarily. I had a thought the other day; I don't regret actions taken, only the outcomes that come from them. If I don't regret the actions taken, then as a part of cause and effect, I can't regret the outcome. But then that would mean that I would be satisfied, even if only a bit, with the course that my life has taken. In all actuality, I think that I am. I'm just frustrated that the things that I desire I can't obtain. Even now with the coming increase of capital that I'm getting I'm not going to be able to do with it everything that I want, if anything. The money that I'm going to be getting from my refund check, $3151.75, will be used to pay bills and probably the rest will go to getting my mother and I into a better, or at least different house. She seems to think that the money would be enough to put down on a "Fixer - upper" house. My, of course, negative self keeps attempting to remind her that the biggest part about a "Fixer-upper" is the fact that it needs to be fixed. There really isn't any point, in my mind, of moving into a place that you need to put even more money into in order to get it into a livable condition. But then again, I'm not the wisest, smartest, or even the slightly clued in person when it comes to homes and purchasing.

In all actuality, I think the things I want to do with the money come down to this: Getting a new computer (desktop with at least one good video card so that I can render things in the World of Warcraft to be far more beautiful than they are on my laptop), get a nice 15-20 inch LCD or flat panel monitor, and getting a car. Now mind you, my choice of car is far more expensive than I can afford. I would like to get a Lincoln MKZ but that's, even just the basics, $34,000. Even if I took and put all of my money onto a car I think I wouldn't be able to get something that I would be explicitly "proud" of.

Now my thoughts are becoming erratic and scrambled. Long story short, I've got a lot of issues that I need work on. A lot of skeletons in my closet that need to be brought out, dusted off, and buried properly, and way more medical problems than I'm even willing to admit. I need a shrink, heh.

Ouch

virus73@gmail.com — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 10:02:48 GMT

13 weeks since I've had something worthwhile posting in my LiveJournal.

I got into an accident today when going home from Ann Arbor on Main street at Hill street.

My car wouldn't start on the scene, didn't try it when the tow truck dropped it off at the car lot.

I wasn't drunk, and was in the right, so I got no ticket.

The guy that I got into the accident with has a blinking red light, I had a blinking yellow.

The actual accident is kind of a blur now.

I don't think I'll ever drive the posted speed limit in a zone again, I'm going to be half, if not less, at all times now.

No wheel damage visible, I have no clue about the engine condition. Electronics still work. Air bags deployed.

I'm fine, physically, I suppose. I'm pissed that my only car, my best car yet (Euphemia) may be in bad shape.

I don't have the money or the time for this kind of strees.

My mom didn't even want me to go, but I insisted.

Other than the accident, I had a great time. Went to Necto for the first time. It was awesome.

Made out with a really cute guy. Had fun dancing.

It was great to see Alise and Nobu again, I miss those cats. See you in another 13 weeks.

virus73@gmail.com — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 10:47:54 GMT

I am extremely envious and jealous of happy people. Why can't I be happy?

Beep beep, Imma jeep.

virus73@gmail.com — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 19:33:03 GMT

-Describe me in one word... just one single word. Positive or negative.

-Leave your word in a comment before looking at what words others have used.

-Then copy and paste the meme to your journal to find out how people will describe you when limited to one word

New year, new semester

virus73@gmail.com — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 15:23:16 GMT

Alright so its the new year. I didn't feel like writing a "my past year" summation post because my past year hasn't been thrilling. At the very least, I think that rock bottom is a bit behind me and I'm starting to climb back up the ladder to success and that is a good feeling.
This semester at school I'm taking classes that I thought were easy but as it turns out the professor for them is a serious, serious, guy. I'll give you an excerpt from the syllabus:

Two critical research papers: The first, due Friday, February 27, will analyze signs of American culture by comparing a specific seventeenth or eighteenth century text with a contemporary American text (a film, a work of literature, an advertisement, a news item, or a political speech). You should employ 5-7 sources in this paper. The second, due Friday, April 17, will take one of the course questions (or a topic you choose and I approve) and apply it to at least three different works covered during the semester. You should employ 7-15 sources in this paper.

I expect you to follow a systematic process of thorough analysis and research for both assignments. Consult “A Process of Literary Research” available under “Course Documents.” Please make use of the course bibliography, the MLA Bibliography, The Gale Literature Resource Center, and other reference tools to locate secondary and tertiary materials. Your papers must be typed, double-spaced, and in proper manuscript form. Complete, accurate MLA documentation with a works cited page is required. See plagiarism policy below. You may submit these papers as hard copies or email attachments.

Like...woah. That's by far the most "serious" syllabus that I've ever read. I mean I know that most people are used to professors being hard asses and all, but the last 4 years of college that I'd had I've breezed through so easily that I never thought I would get one of those hard asses. My mom tells me today "Oh that guys really serious and exact and specific". Considering how last year all of my professors were the kind of people that would rather shoot the breeze then hand out assignments where you have to critically analyze and deconstruct the political meaning of literature in the 20th century I think this is going to be a pretty rude awakening.

On top of taking two pretty brutal english classes (that's what I get for thinking english would be an easier major than music...) I'm taking college algebra (yeah I know, everyone else did it their first year but I'm a dunce when it comes to math) and intro chemistry (CHM-130-01 (0021864) Chemical Science, but I figure its the lowest level chem course and its a required class for graduation, makes it intro chemistry) so that means I'm going to have one hell of a semester. But I figure if I pass this, I only have two more general ed courses to take and then another 30 hours of Major specific stuff and then I'm out.

(If you're curious, I'm taking ENG 310, American Literature to 1900 and ENG 260 Approaches to Literary Studies for my english classes)

I've estimated my books this semester to cost upwards of $500, which is a pain. I've gotten book vouchers, which will just be deducted from the money I get back from scholarships and student loans, for that amount, but I need supplies and shit too. Hopefully the bookstore won't be out of used books by tomorrow evening, which is when I'll know for sure what books I absolutely need to purchase and which I can skimp on. I've already gotten my chem and math books, since they were the only books required for those courses I figured theres no use in not getting them. The two english classes are different though. There are 5 texts that he listed in the book store as required, and god knows that you don't need all 5 of them. A paper thin book for $75? seriouslly? That's pretty ridiculous. I can understand needing to purchase the MLA manual but....the other two books that aren't compositions seems frivilous to me.

Anyway, I'm gonna let you get back to your friends lists.

I has a twitter

virus73@gmail.com — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 14:02:57 GMT

I has a twitter now. The URL for my page is http://twitter.com/mrarthursimon and my username is mrarthursimon, same as on here. Follow me if you want, I'll do the same.

I haven't updated LJ in about a month, been doing stuff. I'll get back online later and talk about what's be going on.

np: SnappleMan - Sonic the Hedgehog 3 Malicious Fingers OC ReMix "http://www.ocremix.org" is a kickass song.

I got pretty obsessed with aladdin for a minute and decided to download the soundtrack.

np: Tim Rice - Arabian Nights "Aladdin [Original Soundtrack] [Disney] [2004]"

That song from it is pretty decent too.

Mission...COMPLETE!

virus73@gmail.com — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 01:06:50 GMT

Alright so, before the real entry, a few house keeping things. The music listed as my current music I found through a complex string of youtube videos. I've always loved the final boss song from Sonic 3, one of my favorite songs ever. I was listening to a random song on youtube from a video game, went and found the OC Remix of it, then found the piano version of it, and went to think enough to go back to the OC Remix search I did and found this. Realized it was an OC Remix of the final boss theme from Sonic 3 and Had to go download it form the OC site, www.OCRemix.org Its amazing, and I suggest that you all do so, if you like it. Links to songs provided behind cuts because I'm way to nice to the 3 people that all read my live journal.

And lastly, a link to the OC Remix site to download said song: Clicky clicky

Now, on to the entry.

The title of this entry has much signifigance, as I've been on a mission fort he last year or so to eradicate myself of my sex-less streak. As of Friday night, that mission is marked as completed. I met an awesome girl named Angela and we hit it off well. I would be more forthcoming with details but I've summised that it'll be majorly irrelavant to recap unless someone requests me to so If you want to know, simply ask and I'll tell you.

I didn't get home until almost 4 AM Saturday morning, late nights are amazing ;), and didn't even go to sleep when I got home. I spent the day watching Gundam 00 at the reccomedation of Mike Jefferies, a high school friend of Jeff Gill, and it was an amazing show. The show isn't finished yet, just the first season. The first 7 episodes of the second season are out and I downloaded them from Shinsen subs. I choose them out of the other 3-4 companies subbing because first, they were the only name I recognized, and second, they did the verion of Prince of Tennis that I liked the most and so I went with them and I haven't been dissapointed as of yet. If you're an anime fan and you haven't checked out the first 25 episodes of Gundam 00 I would suggest that you do so. Its worth it.

Today wasn't a great day, as I was badgered by my mother all day to go to the store with her and when we finally did we got a blowout on the freeway about a mile and a half from home. I figure that its Karma getting things for me back in balance, as on Wednesday I went to Kroger and mistakenly walked out of the door with a pair of tomatoes that I didn't pay for. I didn't realize until I got to the car and had packed everything up and didn't have it in me to go back into the store since i had already walked out with them. I knew that I would suffer Karmic retribution, as once unbalanced the scales must be set right, but this is a pertty hefty price, as the spare tire we had in our trunk had a problem with the valve stem and couldn't be inflated. Meaning we had to get the tow home today and are going to have to get a tow tomorrow when the shop nearest our house opens costing us about $100 depending on how much inflation their shop has suffered from the economy. Money is getting thinner and thinner.

Well that's it for this weekend. I need to remind myself to update my live journal more regularly. Then maybe people would pay more attention to it. I guess it can't be helped, I'm a flake afterall. Ja matta.

Elections

virus73@gmail.com — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 11:37:14 GMT

I'm totally on my way to go vote. You should do the same everyone. More later!

Its my birthday

virus73@gmail.com — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 19:48:45 GMT

So today is my birthday, yay for being 24, and lately I've been going pretty crazy. First, a few months ago, I decided it would be a good idea to listen to my WoW friend Adam and delete all of my alliance characters on Stoemaul and re-roll horde. At the time, he said that he was going to ditch his AC and we'd level together with just enough time to hit 70 about a week or two before Wrath of the Lich King came out. And since he was paying for my account out of the goodness of his heart and all the gold that I paid him I figured that it wouldn't be too bad of an idea. I love pvp and on my current server the horde are way better than the alliance at pvp and I wanted to at the time capitalize on that fact for Wrath of the Lich king. The day after I deleted my characters I got a beta key in my e-mail. So no testing and leveling and previewing the fastest way to 80 for me. But I did get the chance to see what it was like and for my hunter and priest, of which I had rolled a horde version of, what specs I wanted to play. So I started playing the beta, learned all of the new boss strats, got gear, and can pretty much tell everyone how to tank, dps, and heal every heroic in wrath of the Lich king available at release. Neat right? So after I get done with this, which takes about a month or so of playing, I come back to real wow only to find that I can't get in touch with Adam at all. he's still paying for my account but I don't see him online on any of his horde toons. It turns out that he got a girlfriend and is using all his time and money to be with her and sold off his alliance account and stopped paying for his horde account (the AC account had 2000 of my gold on it that he was going to transfer via the gadgetzan auction house and split between the two of us so that we wouldn't have any money woes while leveling). So I have a low level horde and an even lower level horde right when 3.0 comes out. I'm so bummed out too because at the same time the "opening" event for Wrath of the lich king, which is really an invasion event, started up. So I can't participate in it and get the special tabard that you get for doing such things, like with the opening of the Dark Portal. After a few days I end up deciding, with a little nudging from my horde guild mates, to contact a GM and report that someone hacked my account and deleted all my characters. About 30 hours later I had both my priest and hunter back, sans a few marks of honor and all my bags and shit like that. But I have 70's. And with a little start up money, 150g to be exact, I managed to get all my bags back and get my hunter the 24 slot ammo pouch that took me like a week to farm up when they first came out in 2.3. So all is good and well in the World of Warcraft for me. Oh and on top of that just yesterday I purchased my copy of Wrath of the Lich King from Game stop and on Thursday the 13th i'll be going to pick it up.

I've also been going a bit batty because I've been dreading my birthday. It was a little bit after my birthday in 2006 when it was the last time I had sex. It wasn't even a full sex session because I was being assuming and making an ass out of myself and being a bit selfish because I thought I could because it was about a week after my birthday and my s.o./fwb at the time couldn't see me on my birthday. I wonder if I had been nicer to her would she still be talking to me now. I wonder if I'll ever find someone that finds me attractive again. I wonder a lot of things and that starts to get me depressed. And of course since my mind is weird and twisted I end up thinking that i won't ever get involved with anyone ever again because I'm too fat to and I can't lose weight because I'm too fat. I don't even know if I look fat anymore. I used to know that I was big but I didn't look as big as I was but recently I feel a lot bigger than I used to and I haven't even gotten on a scale in close to 4 years. The thought of me getting in shape is a good one but I can't do much exercise because of my athsma and because of how fucking huge I am. And then this thought of course leads to other spiraling thoughts and panic ensues and i end up getting my blood pressure up and tense and if someone were to bother me or ask me a question or anything I snap at them for no good reason. I've done it to my mom now like 5 or 6 times. And she keeps asking me "what's wrong" and I know that there's no use in telling her because I've told her this shit before and she just says "Oh you're just being silly" and says something like "You'll lose the weight eventually" or "Sex isn't that important" or "You don't need to be in a relationship right now" or some other phrase that comes to mind at the time. the problem is that even though she may be right that its all in my head or that I'm being silly I do need to be in a relationship. I need companionship. I don't get fucking hugs ever. My mom doesn't want to hug me, and hell I don't even hang out with people anymore for the most part. Until I started posting on forum and message boards on the internet I would never even talk to people to have the opportunity to meet up with them some other time. Its just really frustrating to not feel loved. And hell I don't really know how to love myself, I mean who the hell is supposed to teach you how to love yourself? If they did they're a failure as a teacher when it comes to me because I never got a single lesson or any instruction on how its supposed to be done. Anyway, that's been on my mind and I can just about literally feel my "biological clock" ticking and tocking away and I can feel my sexual prime slipping away from me and I know, well I don't know but I keep hearing in all these adds, that a mans sexual peak is in his 20's and its all downhill from there. I don't want the time of my life when I'm in prime form to be carrying out the human mating ritual to be unable to do it for whatever reason. I just don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do about these feelings and its making me go crazy and do crazy shit.

I've done crazy shit before...but not like this. I mean hell, I've done some really crazy shit and gotten away with it, and some not so crazy shit and gotten caught, but nothing like this. I'm sure it'll blow over but fuck man, its crazy. More about that later, i need to get going to pick up my mom from work and get to my later class. Wish me a happy birthday all of the...1 people that are going to read this, lol.

Jeez

virus73@gmail.com — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 13:25:43 GMT

Why the fuck are my conversations all so fucking one sided? I don't get it. Example here, talking to a new person for the first time:

On Tue, Oct 21, 2008 at 9:18 AM, <anne78166@aim.com> wrote:

I enjoy being here. Don't feel bad. I live at home also

-----Original Message-----
From: Arthur Simon <virus73@gmail.com>
To: anne78166@aim.com
Sent: Tue, 21 Oct 2008 9:16 am
Subject: Re: Anyone around?

I'm a student at Marygrove College. I've been bouncing around between a few schools since I graduated high school way back in 2002 and I've finally found a place that has a conducive learning environment. I tried going to school out of state and even down at Wayne state but it was a little too easy to slip up. I moved back into my parents house two years ago and I am commuting just about every day to Marygrove. The employment situation here in Detroit is so terrible that I still haven't found a job even after nearly a year of constantly looking. So I'm a 23 year old guy living at home with his parents and jobless. Not the most attractive thing I could think of, but I'm constantly trying to better myself. How do you enjoy working at the hospital?

On Tue, Oct 21, 2008 at 9:12 AM, <anne78166@aim.com> wrote:
Yes I work for the U. I work at the childrens hospital as a clerk. I like my job. What about you, what do you do?

-----Original Message-----
From: Arthur Simon <virus73@gmail.com>
To: anne78166@aim.com
Sent: Tue, 21 Oct 2008 9:11 am
Subject: Re: Anyone around?

So do you work for the U? And do you enjoy the atmosphere there? I've had a few friends that went to U of M and worked for the U and they tell me they really don't enjoy the work atmosphere after graduating from the college. What line of work are you in?

On Tue, Oct 21, 2008 at 9:08 AM, <anne78166@aim.com> wrote:
I live southwest of Ann Arbor. work in Ann Arbor. I'm not ruling anything out. I said that cause I'm not totally sure what I'm looking for. I would love to have a relationship again but if it ends up more just as friends I'm fine with that also.

-----Original Message-----
From: Arthur Simon <virus73@gmail.com>
To: pers-886666439@craigslist.org
Sent: Tue, 21 Oct 2008 9:02 am
Subject: Anyone around?

This may be a day late but I sure hope that I'm not a dollar short. If you're still looking to talk to people, I'd be willing to talk. I live in Northwest Detroit currently. although not totally by choice. Where about do you stay in SeMI? Would you care to tall me a little bit about yourself? I know that you said you were cute in your add, but I think that if you're looking for friends first, you should not advertise that you're cute. I'm not trying to be critical, but I"m just saying that more often than not when I think about a cute girl that I'd like to talk to, rather than just a girl I'd like to talk to, I think about more than just talking to her. And this is probably a bit more than what I should write in an opening e-mail to you, but I figure, you have to give a little bit of trust before you can get a little bit of strust no? Anyway, I hope your Tuesday is looking better than your Monday and hope to hear back from you soon. Take care.

this message was remailed to you via: pers-886666439@craigslist.org
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Me: writing paragraphs, her writing one sentence. This is the way shit is with all but two of the females that I have ever conversed with. What the hell.

Beautiful...

virus73@gmail.com — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 23:17:00 GMT

So over the last few weeks, I'd say about 8 weeks or so, I've been priviliged enough to have the opporunity to participate in the open beta test of the new expansion for the World of Warcraft, the Wrath of the Lich King. And since I don't have fraps or any other program I'll be taking some screen shots and providing them later on. But in the mean time, I'll give you a taste at the login screen music. Wow players world wide have reveled in the astounding themes for the last few years and this one is no different. The only way to describe it is epic, absolutely epic. It takes the main theme set forth in the original world of warcraft and reworkds it just like the burning crusade did, but it also incorporates so many other things. Take a listen if you wish, you won't be dissapointed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VH3fLzxRX40

Ugh!

virus73@gmail.com — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 23:24:32 GMT

Why is life filled with such tremendous ups and downs? Can't I just get off this roller coaster and get on some smooth ground?

So yesterday I managed to wrangle myself a good day. Here's what happened. I managed to wake up on time, get showered, dressed, and have the car packed before 6:45 (that's in the AM) and managed to get on the road shortly after that. I got dropped off at 7:00 Am and my mom got to work around 7:30 (the time she's been shotting for and missing constantly for the last 3 weeks). Had an Ok breakfast, they tried doing some kind of ham, egg, and cheese on a biscut thing but it didn't en up working out because the eggs were very much so undercooked (for my tastes at least) and it just ended up tasting pretty disgusting. But, it wasn't too expensive, only about $4 so that's not half bad. And really once you got past the disgusting uncooked yoke of the egg it was fine.

The internet was up and working at about 7:30 and I was in WoW gaming until about 10:45 and managed to get from 10-14 on my hunter (I really hate leveling sometimes). Went to class and got fairly high praise from the teacher for asking a question on how to get the reciprocal of a decimal (hey, I really didn't know) and then convert it back into a decimal (I've always seen the little 1/x button on a calculator and know that it was the reciprocal but I never know how the calculator performed that operation, sue me). Then I went after class to the math lab and took our first quiz, got a 92% on it on the first try (I missed only 2 questions). I don't think I'll be using any of my 3 retakes for that one.

Back to the library after class around 12:30 or so for more WoW (still leveling the hunter towards 14 at this point and yes I know I am painfully slow at leveling). One of my classmates from both my Geography and Intro to Lit class showed up and we chilled a bit before going to class at 6:00. Went into class after we finishd reading the assigned reading for the day ("The Yellow Wallpaper" by Charlotte Perkins Gilman) and I have to say I absolutely loved the story. It really caught me and I had something to say on almost every point Dr. Becker brought up in class about it and for quite a while was just about leading the discussion we had about it. I was kind of sad when we packed up to leave class because I could have spent another half hour talking about all of the symbolism that is thick in that short story. But afte class I stayed behind to talk with Dr. Becker (she's really nice with her time) and we talked about me becoming an English major (I e-mailed her about it on Monday because I've been thinking sometime about doing it). She told me just to follow the advice she gave me in her e-mail because this is her first semester at Marygrove and she doesn't really know all of what you have to do for English here. She also told me that she majored in and studied English because all of her life she just loved reading and wanted to keep doing that. She also did something I didn't expect and told me that if my verbal skills were any clue I was probably a strong writer. I think that often enough I rely too much on the opinion of other people that really just don't give a damn for support. I've got to change that. Just from her few kind words about the way that I carry myself in class and the fire of confidence was lit inside of me. And hell, she is just an instructor. I mean, I wonder if when I was in 8th grade and I was looking to my homeroom teacher for help on whether I had the talent to become a write he would have said so instead of saying that I was a bad writer if my life would be different. But I shouldn't think of those things, what's past is past and there is no way to change it.

All this good stuff on top of the fact that my financial aid finally came in yesterday (even though I didn't check it until today) and if my math is right I'll be getting back somewhere in the neighborhood of $2300 in refund this semester and next (presuming I take the same class load next semester). So I might just be able to get my dream computer/laptop combination (Sexy sexy alienwear).

Anyway, its time for me to go to class. Later.

ugh, so much frustration

virus73@gmail.com — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 22:32:02 GMT

Alright so, I'm gonna come clean here. The last person that I slept with or had any kind of relationship with, Ciera Jennings, was more than two years ago. It was in January of 2006 when we were last together and at that time, just like I have been for pretty much my entire adult life, I was too afraid to do what the simply obvious thing was and just go out with her on official terms instead of just being fuck buddies. I mean, she asked me a simple question, is this going anywhere, and I could have just obliged her and said, yes, I think it is, but I was a huge chicken shit. I have no idea why.

Well that's not entirely true. But the only ideas that I have why pawn my problems off onto other people. like I keep thinking that perhaps I have this great fear of intimacy because of my life experiences, however strange they are. But even that sometimes may not have as big of an impact on my behavior and on my attitude as my own personal will and desire does. I guess I'm really just fighting the age old battle of nature versus nurture. I dunno...I just can't really accept the fact that I am not in control of the way that I feel and I also can't accept the fact that the things that I want I can't reach to get when they're right in front of my fucking face. I feel like just as one part of my life gets straight the another part falls into its own microcosm and is just...winter.

I keep trying to tell myself that I can be happy, but life keeps telling me that just when I start to get a bit of happiness its taken, ripped away, stolen from me just as I begin to savor it. And now lately instead of some other-worldly outside force taking my happiness away I find myself telling myself when I feel happy and elated to just tone it down and realize that it won't be like this and I steal my own joy. What the fuck is wrong with me...who would be so masochistic that they would deprive themselves of what little joy they get out of life?

I really think I need some help here.

Also, as a note, this two year lack of any sort of intimacy makes it so that any good looking woman prompts me to attempt to make a pass at them (in the last 5 days I've come on to and flirted with 7 different women, when normally, I don't flirt with anyone and barely even engage in social situations). And it really doesn't help that there is a cute woman sitting next to me in the library wearing the same fragrance of perfume that Kat used to wear (lol, old relationships). It is very, very sexy smelling.

grrr...

virus73@gmail.com — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 03:24:35 GMT

Now most people know me as pretty LGBT friendly, and most of the time I am (save for a few anti-lesbian because I can't get a single girl moments). But tonight, as I sat in the Java Hut in Ferndale MI for the last 2 hours and watched the parade of the lesbians, I can't help but get overly frustrated. Now, I love gay people, hell, I'm pretty damned close to being full out bi-sexual myself (can't seem to get past that whole dick in the butt thing >_>) but even though I know that Ferndale is the gay capital of Southeastern Michigan I am angry. I am angry and the couples as they walk, one by one, past the entrance, they gave lovingly into each others eyes and I think to myself how cute that is. And after 30 or so couples pass me, I stop thinking its an amazing thing and start thinking about how each of those women represent one fewer woman that I have an opportunity to start a relationship with. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm the typical guy and just like typical guys I love sex. almost can't live without it (after one 4 year stint, many multiple month stints, and now a 2 year stint without sex, I've learned to make due). But one thing that has always struck me odd about myself is how willing I am to commit myself to the thought and idea of long term relationships and eventual marriage. I know I'm not perfect and far from a good catch by any means, but to think that for the last...2+ years at the very least (more by my count) not a single woman has been interested in striking up even a conversation with me, much less thinking of starting a relatinoship. That couple with the multiple couples, groups of 3-5, and two groups of 20+ lesbians that walked by the java hut just had me steaming at lesbianism tonight. Had to say something about and I'm sorry to any and all that I offended by it, but I'm lonely as fuck and I don't have the foresight to see if that is going to change any time in my lifetime, much less sometime while I'm still young.

virus73@gmail.com — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 23:01:38 GMT

"I'm not going to pay for you to go and hang out with your friends all night and play magic. What you're doing is not living, its not life, YOU'RE NOT LIVING. Staying out and having fun and playing games, that's not living. If you want to go play magic, do it on money you made. I'm going to do you a big favor and just put you out, you'll see, I'm just going to do both of us a favor and put you out, I'm tired of this."

--My mom, to me, less than 10 minutes ago.

I don't really care much about the I'm going to put you out mess, I can deal with that, and even if she does, more than likely I'll just end up dead in a gutter somewhere and at least I'll be able to weigh heavily on her for the rest of her life. Me, I've already accepted that my life won't get better until I die. Isn't that paradoxical? I won't be happy with my life until I'm dead. All this shit, it never ends. Sorrow, sadness, doubt, none of it ever ends. Its just so fucking hard thinking that all the rest of whatever pitiful life I'll lead will be filled with endless suffering. And at the one moment I think I'm happy, I'll die and won't be able to relish it at all.

All of this because of what, regionals on Saturday? Which by the way, now that I don't have the money to go anymore, means that all the money, trades, time, and effort I've put into building this deck (in the last 2 days I've spent more than 6 hours fishing hands just to see what my base line for mulligans is like so that I wouldn't make any stupid mulligan choices at regionals) is all for naught. All because I would rather go to regionals than some stupid "Brothers of Abraham" meeting at the church that I used to go to. I can't stress the past tense of this enough. Its been almost 2 years since I've stepped into the door of any church, much less my former church itself. And now that we live a stones through away from it my mom wants to start going back as often as possible. I mean, she has a shit ton of papers to check and her final grades for the class that shes teaching due on Friday and shes up at the church Choir rehearsal just so that she can come home to me and bitch about how they never give her a solo and they never want to sing correctly and use proper technique and blah blah blah blah blah. And when I complain about wanting to help her do her fucking work she doesn't understand why.

Fuck man, I've all but shouted to the heavens that I don't believe a god exists (simply because of the fear that if I do and when I die there indeed is a god he'd be pissed and toss me into hell just for shits and giggles, like he isn't going to do that anyway....) and she wants me to get involved with this all black religious group that has a meeting on Saturday sometime during regionals. "Oh, well call them and see what time the meeting is and maybe you can go before your magic thing." No mom, it doesn't work like that, I'm going to be busy all day Saturday. "WELL, WELL, YOU CAN'T GO TO THE MAGIC THING, NOW WHAT?!?!" Gee mom, good way to let me make my own decisions in life. Take away all of my options but one and then tell me that because I choose not to do that one option that I'm not living a life worthy of living at all. Well fucking fine, just kill me then, put me out of my god damned misery. I FUCKING WELCOME IT. At least then I wouldn't have to be bothered with all of these thoughts I have and I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. I would've killed myself years ago if not for the fact that no one would give a damn about me when I'm gone. I'd rather live just to be a thorn in peoples side, most of the time at least. But I really don't enjoy being constantly demoralized and brought to the bring of a possible psychosis by the one person I thought gave a shit about me. I'm sitting here on the brink of breaking down into a fetal ball of tears here and all for what? Who fucking knows. Who fucking cares. My walls of text don't even get read so it doesn't even matter.

WELL I GUESS THERE GOES THAT HUR HUR HUR.

No subject ON PURPOSE!

virus73@gmail.com — Fri, 16 May 2008 04:14:26 GMT

Moving is stressful. Moving because the person you were leasing your house from decided to no longer pay the mortgage payments to the bank is even more stressful. Moving with no money, no real options, and no time is very stressful. Having no way to relieve the stress makes me wanna break my head against a wall or something. Not being able to raid in wow makes me pretty sad, not really because I can't do it, but because I can't do it because my own computer isn't working and I still have no way to repair it or replace it.

I hate the fact that I want to vent but have no one to vent to. I have no fucking way to release all the shit that clambers up in my head all day and night. I sit with my strange thoughts and attempt to make straight lines out of knots all day long and end up with knots th at were in worse shape than when I started trying to unravel them. I really dislike the way my brain works. Its like as soon as I get to a point in a thought where it could mean something profound or be quite possibly the ending or release of some significant blockage, something else manages to squeak its way into my mind and derail the train of thought just enough so that I can't pick it back up for weeks or months even.

I really don't know why I wander to the thoughts that I wander to sometimes. And I really do think that I have a rather unnatural attachment to death. Not killing but death, as in what happens when and after you die. I think last Friday I spent damn near an hour just sitting with the same thoughts that I have. "Nothingness, pure and simple. That's what death is. When you die there is nothing, you are nothing, you don't know, you don't recognize. There is nothing." And for a moment, as I focused on those words, everything in my mind cleared out, for the first time that I could remember. I had my eyes closed, I couldn't hear any of the other people around me, I couldn't smell anything in the air, I couldn't taste anything, all there was was a void. And for a moment it was almost as if I could be the void, be in it, be with it. But then I snapped out of it and came back to reality. Its really just too much for me to think about sometimes, death that is. I know I lost what little faith I had in God a long time ago, but its a really reassuring thing to believe that when you die there isn't just nothingness. In truth, there is only one way to find out what there is after death, but I'm not that curious to find out.

I don't know if anyone else has had their life plagued with this problem but I've been unable to to totally clear my mind for as long as I can remember. There is always some back ground noise in my head. Whether it be someone talking and be not being able to concentrate to tune them out or some song playing through my mind constantly. I've always had something going on. I mean, I know that it should take some effort to clear your thoughts and to totally empty your mind, but should it take so much concentration? Every time I've heard people speak of meditation its some easy thing that comes to people. But for me getting into a state where I can meditate has never been easy. So much so that I've only tried once or twice, and those times were rather unsuccessful and pitiful attempts.

My music collection is...getting annoying. I've had a collection full of things like Initial D and Eurobeat for long enough. Its time for my musical palate to expand a bit. But I'm really scared of trying new music, strangely enough. If things aren't familiar enough to me I have a tendency to dislike them, making finding new music to listen to a chore to say the least. I've been listening to Korn, Linkin Park, System of A Down and the like for such a long time that other, non-hip-hop, music doesn't really ...I dunno sounds the same as what I've grown accustomed to. I guess that's the way all of my life has been for the most part. I'm pretty unable to come out of my shell so to speak. For instance, pretty much none of the people I was friends with at Wayne State make any effort to communicate with me, even though God knows I try my hardest to open lines of communication with them. But for some reason instead of just getting new friends I keep trying to find some way to be with and around them. It boggles the hell out of me.

When trying to listen to an Internet radio station, if it continues to rebuffer even at lower quality streams, I get pissed REALLY FUCKING EASILY. Try listening to a song when you can only hear 3 seconds of the song before it rebuffers, and you miss the next 4, and then you hear 2, and you miss the next 6, and then you hear 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, GOD FUCKING DAMNIT.

nowplaying: [VA - Hardstyle The Ultimate Collection 2007 vol 1 part 2 (HARD.fm - Your #1 Hardstyle Radio!)] (from: ()) That pisses me off. I don't want to have to listen to 64kbps radio...

Anyway, this entry has started to get off point, which means its time to bring an end to it. I'm gonna get on wow for a minute then go to sleep. G'night

oh, PS. I totally need new Icons. Any suggestions?

I wish...

virus73@gmail.com — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 08:31:58 GMT

Happy new year! I don't write in my LJ much do I?

Well, I do have wishes.

I wish I was a little bit taller, lol.
I wish I was a little healthier.
I wish I had a job.
I wish I had a GOOD job, an enjoyable job.
I wish I had financial security.
I wish I was less proud.
I wish my friends really gave a damn.
I wish I really gave a damn.
I wish I didn't fall in love so easily, even if the girl is ultra hot, which she is in this case.
I wish I didn't fall in love with people that were all over the country ><, no cool people in michigan anymore.
I wish I complained less.
I wish I was happier.
I wish I had the courage to change the things about my life and about myself that I dislike.
I wish I had the self confidence that I portray to people.
I wish I had less regrets about life.
I wish I didn't spend the last year doing absolutly nothing, just to prove a pointless point.
I wish I alliterated less when I try to be serious.
I wish I didn't wish so much.

There really isn't a point in dwelling on the things that have already passed are there? I know that most of the people that I cared dearly about didn't care about me. They always made excuses for not hanging out with me, yet they hang out with each other still, and now they are doing the things that I used to do. And this isn't even the first time that this has happened to me. All of my high school friends practically abandoned me. People I spent every day with for 3 years, some of them more. And none of them even try to call me, and when I call them they don't return my call, or answer and say "Hey let me call you back in like 10 minutes", and when I call them back in a day, they say the exact same thing. Am I the problem? Its gotta be me. These people seem to get along fine with each other, so its gotta be me. Theres something defficent or defunct in me right? I mean, it can't possibly be them, since they get along fine without me. SInce they don't even miss my pressence, or notice I'm gone. Or give a rats ass.

No, its not me, its never been me. FUCK THEM. FUCK EM. fuck em all, every single last one of them. You know if they don't care, then why the fuck should I? I'm not going to let it trouble me anymore. I'm not gonna QQ about this lousy bullshit anymore. I'm still alive, I'm still breathing, I'm still me. I'm not going to let them get me down. No not anymore, not any fucking more. I'm going to get my life straight. I'm going to be ok. And I'm not giong to let a bunch of people that I thought more of stop me from doing that.

I don't need a resolution, becuase I know what I'm going to do this year. I'm going to do something, I'm going to set goals and I'm going to meet them. All this mopey shit be damned. A whole year I've been doing this. A whole fucking year I've been wondering what that fuck is wrong with me that makes it so difficult for other people to appreciate me, for other people to enjoy my pressence, to think that what I have to add to the conversation is worthy. Well fuck those that don't want me, I'm going to find people that do.

Whoo!

virus73@gmail.com — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 03:18:32 GMT

I suppose that I should make an entry sometime soon about how things are going. Not to be a pessimist or anything, but so few of my friends actually give a shit that I've almost totally resolved to keep all of my thoughts and personal conflicts inward so as not to bother any of the people that are so obviouslly busy with other better things. Maybe tomorrow when I'm not so lazy feeling.

You are deined access.

virus73@gmail.com — Mon, 31 Oct 2005 16:23:34 GMT

Friends Only.

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